


Prim, Promise, and Progress

by everydayescapeartist



Category: Hunger Games Series - All Media Types, Hunger Games Trilogy - Suzanne Collins, The Hunger Games (Movies)
Genre: F/M, Gen, PiP - Freeform, Prompts in Panem, everlark, everlark fanfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-25
Updated: 2015-11-25
Packaged: 2018-05-03 08:57:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,632
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5284646
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/everydayescapeartist/pseuds/everydayescapeartist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Katniss recounts for Dr. Aurelius some of the highlights and lowlights of a week she anticipated would be tough to get through.  Post Mockingjay, pre-epilogue.  Written for Prompts in Panem Farewell Tour Day 4 Prompts: Wrath, Greed, Gluttony, Pride, Lust, Sloth, and Envy</p>
            </blockquote>





	Prim, Promise, and Progress

Dear Dr. Aurelius,

You asked me to write a little something about anything "remarkable" about each of the days of this week since it is the anniversary of Prim's death and you want to make sure I don't just get locked up inside myself again.  Well, here goes.  It's been an up and down kind of week, as I'm sure is to be expected.  I hope this is what you had in mind.

Monday was a bad day.  When I returned from my morning hunt, I found a wagon out in front of the house with some of her things in it, Prim's things that is.  Looking around, I tried to figure out what the hell was going on and then I heard voices, one familiar and one not.  Haymitch was walking out of my house with a woman I vaguely recognized as one of the newly returned to the district.  She had a kindly enough smile but she was holding some of Prim's dresses, some of the newer ones that she had gotten after I'd returned from the first games and we could afford some more for her.  Glancing back at the wagon, I saw some of Prim's books, some of her hair ribbons and headbands, a couple necklaces she had made for herself, a doll our father had made her years ago, some knitting yarn and needles she and my mother had used, a stuffed bear I had managed to trade for at the hob for her one year, and some other varied items.  I began to shake and found it hard to breathe.  Then the rage took over.  I turned and marched right over to Haymitch and this woman and demanded to know what they thought they were doing.  I was informed that Mrs. Beetle was seeking items to help new and returned inhabitants of the district who could use some help to get back on their feet.  My mother had apparently agreed to donating Prim's things and had enlisted Haymitch to let her in, having concerns that I might be less than cordial to her.  Well, no shit there, mom.  Though how Haymitch is a good fill in host is fucking hilarious to me, but anyway, I wasn't pleased with him for helping and I let him know it.  He said he knew I wouldn't be but that he agreed with my mom on this one and that it was time to let some things go.  I told him he was full of shit.  It escalated into a shouting match right there on the front lawn, as does happen sometimes between Haymitch and I as you know.  Well, as is typical, Peeta, returning from helping out with planning efforts in town, found himself breaking up our argument as best he could.  Mrs. Beetle looked like she wanted to be anywhere else but she was still firm in her commitment to helping the district's residents.  I wouldn't let her leave with anything.  I may have thrown a bag of dead rabbits at her and raised my bow and nocked an arrow.  I threatened her.  Told her not to come back.  Told Haymitch he could stay the hell away from me too and could tell my mother that if she couldn't even come back here and donate the stuff herself, she had no right sending anyone into MY house.  

After hastily grabbing everything from Mrs. Beetle and the wagon and running into the house with it, I deposited it back in Prim's room and broke down right there on her floor as I looked at it all.  Peeta followed me inside, picking up a few small items I'd dropped along the way, and he sank down onto the floor of Prim's room with me and just held me while I cried and yelled and cried some more.  He eventually convinced me to come out to the kitchen where he brewed us some tea and we made a pretense of drinking it as we sat in silence for some time at the kitchen table. When I found I could again, we talked.  He considered both sides, keeping Prim's stuff or donating it.  I hated how he was able to think about both options, but it's how he is.  He's more open-minded than I am.  And I felt terrible later because of course he never had any option to keep anything of his family's or from the bakery and his former home.  That choice was never even his.  After talking, I did realize that Prim, always good and sweet and thoughtful Prim who loved helping others any given day of the week, would want for her things to go toward helping others.  And she wouldn't have been very pleased with how I'd reacted or treated Mrs. Beetle or Haymitch today.  I called my mother.  We talked it through.  She apologized for not having talked with me beforehand about this.  She is seeing a head doctor these days too.  She understands that sometimes she tends toward avoidance and she was trying to avoid dealing with my feelings in this matter.  It's a shitty thing but I get it.  I didn't want to think about it more that day.  I didn't have a ton of success with that, but I did have success in not acting any further on it.  You're right.  I do avoid things too.  But really, this was thrown at me and I wasn't expecting it and Monday was just rough.

Tuesday wasn't entirely better.  I tossed and turned Monday night, sleeping with Prim's bear and having nightmares about that horrible day and the parachutes and about her reaching for her things from a grave. Peeta was there each time I woke during the night and that helped but the nightmares still continued.  It was just too fresh from the situation on my front lawn.  I woke up in the late morning, Peeta having left me a note to say he'd gone back into town but would be back by lunchtime.  I braved going into Prim's room again and gingerly touched everything in it.  And then I decided there was no way I could part with any of it.  I'd apologize to Mrs. Beetle for the way I'd handled the situation but Prim's stuff was going to have to stay with me.  I actually even thought about a thing or two that she'd given to others that I might be able to get back from them if I guilted them enough.  Gale and his family should send every gift Prim had ever given them back to me.  It was only right.  And Haymitch.  He had a thing or two Prim had given him too.  And Peeta better not think of giving up anything Prim had ever given him.  I wanted to know if District 13 still had anything of Prim's that they had held back and not sent to me.  I couldn't think of something specific.  Buttercup was Prim's most prized possession, if he could be considered that, and he had made his way back to District 12 to live where his sweet girl had once lived. To see if I could think of anything else of Prim's I might be missing, I did another inventory of her room.  This time, I found some of her medical notes that I had only glanced at before.  I sat down on her bed and looked at them more closely.  She had detailed out all that (I assumed) my mom had taught her as well as (I assumed) she had learned from books or others willing to give her information.  She not only made note of how different herbs, medicines or treatments could help people but she also noted how it had made her feel when she'd gotten to use these remedies or procedures to help her neighbors and friends.  It was all she'd ever wanted to do.  To help and to make a difference.  When Peeta returned for lunch, he found me crying again.  I told him I was a greedy, selfish, horrible person and a sister Prim couldn't be proud of and, well, it was a while before I calmed down again.

By the end of the day, we decided to donate some of Prim's items, but not all.  I'm keeping a few things, the homemade things that are more special.  And a book that she and I used to read together at bedtime.  And her notes that I'd read.  I want them to be a reminder to me of who Prim was for days like Monday and Tuesday.  I don't think that's too greedy of me.  I was going a little crazy there for a while that day but I do not intend to seek out items Prim had given to others and I actually do think I was given everything that was hers from District 13.  I just didn't have a clear head about that at first.  Her dresses can go.  I have no particular use for them.  Same for the knitting stuff and other things.  I know they are things and what I have of my memories of Prim are still mine.  I'm okay.  Peeta and I even went through the house and found a few other things of our own or of my mother's or that the house was just furnished with that we could donate as well.  That felt good.

Wednesday, we celebrated getting through the prior two days.  We actually celebrated a bit too much.  Having made nice with Haymitch again, he came over and shared some of his favorite, uh, refreshments with us.  For dinner, Peeta made cheese buns and stew and salad and an apple pie and we gorged ourselves on that.  And then we plopped down to watch some old movies he has recently sent away for and we had homemade buttered popcorn and then some candy and hot cocoa and oranges.  It was a veritable feast and we felt miserably full by bedtime, somehow managing to roll ourselves into bed and to lie there trying not to throw up.  We are going to endeavor not to stuff ourselves that much again.

Thursday, despite the overeating mistakes of the day before, I was feeling pretty good.  I was pleased with myself for getting this far into the week, knowing it wouldn't be an easy one but surviving it nonetheless.  It actually felt like more than just survival.  I had laughed on Wednesday.  Peeta and I had kissed ourselves awake Thursday morning.  I even saw fit to bring Haymitch a couple rabbits after my hunt.  I went into town and listened to some of the rebuilding plans and even talked to a few people voluntarily.  I felt proud to be able to do what I hadn't been able to do months ago and hadn't foreseen myself ever being able to do.  Thursday was a good day.

Friday was a good day too.  I'm still not particularly comfortable sharing certain details about Peeta and I with you, or anyone for that matter, but I will say that I have definitely appreciated him this week especially and well, when I was thinking about all of his great qualities that just keep showing themselves to me, I remembered a few more and added a few more beyond that to my list.  I appreciate who he is as a person.  I find him very attractive.  He's mesmerizing really.  I find myself longing for him in different ways each day.  I find thoughts in my mind that I never thought would be there.  Sometimes I'm ashamed of them but mostly I'm just curious and excited by them.  We're just beginning to explore the physical side of our relationship but it's…good.  It's really good.  I was still in a mood to celebrate.  If I'm being honest, I also didn't want any of the bad to resurface and I wanted to keep my mind off it by distracting myself in really…pleasant ways.  Peeta was more than happy to oblige.  And he distracted me quite well.  Made me want more of his kind of distractions.  He definitely appreciated being appreciated too.  It's a great thing to make him feel so good.  Yeah.  That's all I'm going to say about that one right now but I'm sure you know what I mean.  

Saturday was a relaxing day.  We spent a good deal of it in bed.  Then, we hung out on the couch.  We didn't do much at all.  We read, fell asleep again, watched a movie, fell asleep again.  We didn't even go outside though it looked like it might have been a pretty nice day out.  It didn't matter though.  We just weren't in the mood.  I know these types of days concern you sometimes.  I know we do need to stay active and follow our routines and it's healthy to do so.  But I don't hate days like Saturday and neither does Peeta.  We'll keep each other on track.  We really will.  I'll keep him painting and baking.  He'll keep me hunting and working in town.  But as for yesterday, it just wasn't happening.  There are indeed imprints on the couch from our butts.  How's that for a mental picture, doc?

Which brings us to today, Sunday.  It has been a mixed day.  Peeta had an episode earlier.  He'll be telling you about that in his own letter but you know those are never fun.  They're easier to deal with of course than they once were and we both have more confidence in our ability to handle them.  It's just…they're disheartening too.  We were in town earlier and saw Delly and Thom walking hand in hand, laughing with one another.  We saw other couples too, enjoying their time, seeming carefree.  Don't get me wrong.  I know that everyone in Panem has been through something.  These past years have had tough times for so many and the rebellion wasn't easy on varying sides.  I know that Delly and Thom had losses too, friends they'll never see again.  Still, I know that they'll probably go on and have a toasting and have cute, chubby little babies and raise them in a relatively uncomplicated home.  I know that Delly won't have to bring Thom back from a horrible episode where he can't determine what is and isn't real and where he wants to do violence to someone he loves but also knows he doesn't.  I know Thom won't have to hold Delly as she sits on the floor of her dead sister's room, rocking back and forth, sobbing, and lost to the world for hours.  I really am proud of how far Peeta and I have come so far and I do have hope for the progress we can make.  I'm just a bit envious when I see these other couples.  It's hard for me to think that Peeta and I can even attach a word as simple as "couple" to ourselves sometimes.  It doesn't seem fair.  And I didn't even want any of it in the past, so it seems silly of me to lament anything like that now.  I'm very fortunate to have Peeta and what we have.  I don't mean to seem ungrateful.  But I do want more at times, for sure.  I do want to snatch up the peace of the other relationships I see.  I want it for my own, for our own.  Still, Peeta and I worked in the garden early this evening.  We made dinner together.  We worked on our book together.  We will be going to bed together soon.  Life could be so much worse.  I think tomorrow holds a lot of promise.  And that's progress right there.

Thanks for reading.  I'll talk with you again at our next phone appointment.

Katniss


End file.
